You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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