Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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