Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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