Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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