So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
