My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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