everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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