Having a random hookup so left but love u
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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