pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
