You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
