I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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