i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
