my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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