i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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