evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
