good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
