I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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