I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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