so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
