I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
