Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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