I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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