New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
