Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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