Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
