I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
