i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
