I must be too annoying 4 u.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
