when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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