It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Only a mothe r could love this liver
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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