I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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