but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
