Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
