My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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