Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think my fart just growled at me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
