The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
