you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
should my penis look like a turkey
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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