Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
