just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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