I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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