I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
