i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
