he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
