I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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