More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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