hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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