so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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