so that wasnt chicken after all
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
