saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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