so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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