You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
