I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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