you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
