Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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