do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
