You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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