i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
