it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
