is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
