sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
this is an emotional support booty call
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
