When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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