Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize